As Valentine's Day approaches, most couples turn to thoughts of love and romance, but for those of us who have been on our share of bad dates, your thoughts may turn to doom and gloom instead. And so, in the spirit of being the raspberry in everyone's collective wisdom tooth for this loveliest of holidays, I present to you (in no particular order) this list of 7 Anime Characters That Would Make For Terrible First Dates:
Char Aznable (Mobile Suit Gundam)
Handsome, intelligent, and charismatic, Char Aznable personifies many of the qualities people would want in a prospective romantic partner. There's just one major problem: he's a complete sociopath. If he's willing to betray his closest friend to a grisly death for the sake of his ambitions, there's no telling what sort of awful, toxic stuff he'd pull on the dating scene. A romantic partner is just another resource for Char to exploit. A first date with Char would likely land you in the pilot seat of an experimental anti-Gundam weapon, as Lalah Sune and Quess Paraya learned to their eternal chagrin.
Other terrible first dates from Mobile Suit Gundam: Ramba Ral, Kai Shiden
Baki (Baki)
(Image courtesy of Netflix)
As the Netflix adaptation of Keisuke Itagaki's hyper-violent martial arts manga demonstrates, Baki Hanma is actually a pretty wonderful boyfriend. He's a caring and considerate lover (once he realizes that love-making is just like brawling), and he's not in the least bit jealous or controlling when others express interest in his girlfriend, Kozue.
However, Baki would make a bad first date because 1.) he's broke as a joke (being an underground fighting champion doesn't pay particularly well) and 2.) he's constantly surrounded by violent lunatics. If you didn't end up getting kidnapped by an escaped death-row inmate bent on blackmailing Baki into fighting him or menaced by the Yakuza, you'd probably earn the dubious pleasure of Baki's father, Yujiro “Ogre” Hanma, showing up with the world's worst timing to give you a lecture on the birds and the bees.
Other terrible first dates from Baki: Biscuit Oliva, Pickle
Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti (Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World-)
I was an overly literal kid. I thought Genesis' hit song, “Invisible Touch” was about a malignant telekinetic person who literally had the ability to reach into your chest cavity to “grab right hold of your heart.” Why do I mention this? Because Petelgeuse actually has that power. His “Unseen Hands” ability can tear people limb from limb with forces they cannot even perceive, let alone counter.
That coupled with the fact that he's a homicidal maniac and a high-ranking member in the Witch's cult would all seem to indicate going out with Petelgeuse would be a spectacularly terrible time. Before he became the Archbishop of Sloth, though, Petelgeuse was a gentle and kindhearted man who was willing to go to any lengths to protect the people he loved, but unfortunately, this devotion meant that his last “first date” ended in disaster for everyone involved.
Other terrible first dates from Re:ZERO: Otto Suwen, Echidna
Shang Bu Huan (Thunderbolt Fantasy)
Some guys would rather become globe-trotting wuxia heroes than go to therapy, and that sentiment applies double to Shang Bu Huan, a man who's willing to cross the Wasteland of Spirits rather than confront the mistakes of his past. Shang's favorite activities include long walks on the beach, slaying demons, and collecting powerful magical swords so they don't fall into villainous hands. But he'd be a terrible first date because he's clumsy at expressing his feelings, he blames himself for not being able to protect his previous crush from life-altering harm, and between the machinations of the Enigmatic Gale and the schemes of demonic entities and evil secret societies bent on world domination, Shang Bu Huan just doesn't have the time or energy to pursue romance. “It's not you, it's me ...”
Other terrible first dates from Thunderbolt Fantasy: Juan Can Yun, the Seven Blasphemous Deaths
Akane Tendo (Ranma ½)
(Image courtesy of Funimation)
The youngest and arguably most normal daughter of the Tendo martial arts clan, Akane Tendo is more interested in leading an ordinary high school life than in finding someone with whom to fall in love. She has a volcanic temper and a tendency to solve problems with her fists, but what really makes her a terrible first date is beyond her control: a would-be suitor, Tatewaki Kuno (age 17), declared to the entire class assembly at Furinkan High that anyone who desires to date Akane must first defeat her in combat, so every day Akane has to beat down a swarm of representatives from various athletic clubs — judo, sumo, ice hockey, etc. — who want to ask her out. This degree of unwanted attention has really soured Akane on the prospects of dating.
Other terrible first dates: Pretty much any Rumiko Takahashi protagonist.
Sharon Apple (Macross Plus)
(Image courtesy of Amazon)
Sharon Apple, a virtual idol created by a mad scientist from the brain waves of a traumatized young woman, would be a terrible first date because 1.) your computer doesn't really love you and 2.) during the last “date” she went on, she tried to give the objects of her affection the experience of a lifetime by hypnotizing them with song, encouraging them to fly recklessly, and hijacking various futuristic super-weapons including the Ghost X-9, an experimental unmanned fighter plane, and the entire SDF-1 Macross space battle fortress to add some real lasers and pyrotechnics to her concert's light show. Thanks to Yoko Kano's unmatched musical talents, a date with Sharon Apple would probably have an amazing soundtrack, but in all other aspects, it would be an utter catastrophe.
Other terrible first dates from Macross: Lynn Kaifun, Milia Fallyna
Rikka Takanashi (Love, Chunibyo & Other Delusions)
There's “cringe,” and then there's “cringe that's so intense it gives you flashbacks to your younger, cringe-ier days and also threatens to suck you headlong into a fantasy world of pure imagination formed as the coping mechanism of a grief-stricken girl.” Rikka Takanashi is definitely an example of the latter. Rikka's not a bad kid, and unlike some of the people on this list, she's not actually surrounded by demonic forces or alien invaders (although I'm sure she deeply wishes that she were). She's bad first date material because her over-active imagination cloaks a deep-seated emotional wound that she hasn't properly processed yet and she needs to deal with her own problems before she can hope to save the world at the side of a Dark Flame Master.
Other terrible first dates: Pretty much any light novel protagonist.
And there you have it: seven characters in anime that would no doubt encourage you to run for the hills and change your cell phone number rather than asking them out on a second date. The world of anime is vast and deep, and no list of potentially disastrous first dates could presume to be comprehensive, so sound off in the comments section below! Who do you think would be terrible at the complicated dance we call romance? Let us know, and have a safe and happy Valentine's Day!
Paul Chapman is the host of The Greatest Movie EVER! Podcast and GME! Anime Fun Time.
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